Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
You Might Also Like
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials