Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
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What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.