I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
You Might Also Like
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
i could never be president. im overqualified.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this