I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
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My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.