I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
You Might Also Like
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Godspeed, John Glenn
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter: