she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
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[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?