Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
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Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
They’re really bad with fonts.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.