My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
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Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
The morning after pill, but for tweets
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
I hate my earbuds.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.