My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
You Might Also Like
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
This kid is a star!
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)