5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
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me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.