i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
You Might Also Like
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this