Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
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Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*