Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
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*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.