Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
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[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.