Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
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my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Message from the dog groomers
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”