Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Sunday
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
When you don’t understand how floors work
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good