*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
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*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I feel attacked.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie