Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
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This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Just a friendly reminder!
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope