Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
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Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Fights fire with marshmallows
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Wait for it
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
wait.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.