Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
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“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”