In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
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is the plural of judas judasses or judi
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”