Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
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While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?