I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
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Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.