I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
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21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”