Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
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children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
This rocks