LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
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The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
💯😂
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour