I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
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Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Ion see the issue
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish