Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
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It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
#Caturday
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.