NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
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STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
No one :
Me when I swimming :
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.