My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
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GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
The Assassin.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day