Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
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My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
That’s no pocket rocket.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists