11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
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friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
groan^2
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?