ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
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Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes