never forget
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You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Rather alarming headline…
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.