What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
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An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Spring cleaning checklist…
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.