The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
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I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Every. Damn. Time.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.