Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
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I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now