How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
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I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
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Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
I came this close!!!!
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?