Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
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Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
these two trucks have the same bed length
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
not for long
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
text from my dad when lebron broke the record