I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
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None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Breaking news:
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic