Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
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I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them