ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
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What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*