me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
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my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
The sacred texts.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
mentally somewhere in italy
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium