Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
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Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
did it work
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Monday
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.