When someone trying to leave me
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Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back