Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
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Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
“Huge”.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.