Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
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Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”