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before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Called it
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
I don’t get marriage
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Posting this on behalf of a friend
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn