A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
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*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.