Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
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The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Leaving the Barbers like
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
May have had one breakfast too many
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
For cardio I live beyond my means.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY